I was thinking about things I will never get to do because life hasn't turned out that way. This train of thought made me think of the things that I would never do because I was too shy, inept or British, or just because they are plain silly ideas. Here are some of the latter things.
1: Roll dramatically across a car hood and weave through traffic looking anxiously over my shoulder.
2: Learn to throw my voice so that I could make rude comments about people on public transport and then look shocked and horrified and innocent
3: Go to the bank and insist that they change my £10 note for £10 worth of gold (I know, the gold standard doen't apply anymore but if it did then I would be able to do this)
4: Order really complicated a la carte things in a restaurant. "I'd like an egg white omelette, cooked in yaks fat with grated butterfly wings on the side and a salad using only blue leaves please...." and then storm out when they can't accommodate me.
5: Set up a free cake stand outside the weight watchers meeting room
6: Hold a protest outside Jamie Oliver's house to save junk food.
7: Run, sobbing down Oxford Street wearing a wedding dress. I just want to see everybody's reaction
8: Go to my school reunion dressed as a tramp
9: Go to my school reunion dressed as a goddess with immaculate and very expensive taste, possibly arriving in an Aston Martin with my own retinue.
10: Refuse to renounce the devil at a christening, in fact insist that I am rather found of lucifer and had him round for supper only last week.
11: Walk around with a glass slipper, asking men to try it on and asking if they have the other one?
12: Put huge signs on Harrods windows in the dead of night saying '90% off tomorrow only" and watch the sales shoppers start queuing
13: Break the bank at a casino
14: Cook a cake with a file in it and take it to prison
15: Make hash brownies for the school fete cake stand (there seems to be a bit of a cake theme here...)
16: Peer into a pram to look at somebody's baby and then leap back and run away screaming.
17: Take a telephone call in a public place and pretend it is from the doctor and say in a loud voice "I can't have the plague - that's contagious for god's sake"
18: Go to a shoe shop and insist that as I have two left feet, I want two left shoes.
19: Burst into loud tears at a wedding and run out sobbing 'it should have been me'
20: Go out in my pyjamas and go to sleep in a bed shop
I know, it is a random list, but I feel random and you must bear the consequences.
Having said that, I have just read through the list again and am worried by the way my brain works. I think that I need help.
The price of health
12 hours ago