Friday, 26 September 2008

Things I will never do (well I don't think I will).

I was thinking about things I will never get to do because life hasn't turned out that way. This train of thought made me think of the things that I would never do because I was too shy, inept or British, or just because they are plain silly ideas. Here are some of the latter things.

1: Roll dramatically across a car hood and weave through traffic looking anxiously over my shoulder.
2: Learn to throw my voice so that I could make rude comments about people on public transport and then look shocked and horrified and innocent
3: Go to the bank and insist that they change my £10 note for £10 worth of gold (I know, the gold standard doen't apply anymore but if it did then I would be able to do this)
4: Order really complicated a la carte things in a restaurant. "I'd like an egg white omelette, cooked in yaks fat with grated butterfly wings on the side and a salad using only blue leaves please...." and then storm out when they can't accommodate me.
5: Set up a free cake stand outside the weight watchers meeting room
6: Hold a protest outside Jamie Oliver's house to save junk food.
7: Run, sobbing down Oxford Street wearing a wedding dress. I just want to see everybody's reaction
8: Go to my school reunion dressed as a tramp
9: Go to my school reunion dressed as a goddess with immaculate and very expensive taste, possibly arriving in an Aston Martin with my own retinue.
10: Refuse to renounce the devil at a christening, in fact insist that I am rather found of lucifer and had him round for supper only last week.
11: Walk around with a glass slipper, asking men to try it on and asking if they have the other one?
12: Put huge signs on Harrods windows in the dead of night saying '90% off tomorrow only" and watch the sales shoppers start queuing
13: Break the bank at a casino
14: Cook a cake with a file in it and take it to prison
15: Make hash brownies for the school fete cake stand (there seems to be a bit of a cake theme here...)
16: Peer into a pram to look at somebody's baby and then leap back and run away screaming.
17: Take a telephone call in a public place and pretend it is from the doctor and say in a loud voice "I can't have the plague - that's contagious for god's sake"
18: Go to a shoe shop and insist that as I have two left feet, I want two left shoes.
19: Burst into loud tears at a wedding and run out sobbing 'it should have been me'
20: Go out in my pyjamas and go to sleep in a bed shop

I know, it is a random list, but I feel random and you must bear the consequences.
Having said that, I have just read through the list again and am worried by the way my brain works. I think that I need help.


katyboo1 said...

This is a fantastic list. I hope you do end up doing some of them and if you need a flunkey for your retinue I would be happy to assist you. In fact the children and I would all help. We can dress Oscar as a monkey and you can have him on a lead. Tallulah can carry your diamond encrusted mobile on a golden cushion. Tilly will skip before you, strewing petals in your path, and I will be behind in sack cloth and ashes, tugging my forelock and mumbling about the grayshusness of 'er laydeeship.'

Maybe you should arrange a weekend where people can get together in a flash mob type event and do all these things and more.

Anonymous said...

No.16 really made me laugh (ooh you are awful!)
Wendy (Wales)

Mr Farty said...

You are Dom Joly and I claim my five pounds!

justme said...

Hello! Just found your blog, and am liking it....will be back!

Welsh Girl said...

Katyboo - You are all hired! This may tempt me to actually GO to a school reunion!

Wendy - wouldn't it be great. Mean, but great.

Mr Farty - HELLO, HELLO! Please go to the bank and ask for £5 of gold on my account

Justme - I shall get my retinue to send you a welcome back immediately. Thanks for reading the blog!

Welsh Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Welsh Girl said...

ok - I removed my own comment - I said everything twice by mistake. Old age must be setting in!

bevchen said...

That's an excellent list!

Andy Mule said...

You worry about how ur brain works.......i hear voices!.......(If only it were true).

All the best, Andy Mule

Welsh Girl said...

hello Andy Mule! Come on, who doesn't hear voices! I think I have a permanent Jimmy Cricket type character (who I suspect is hired by Cadburys) whispering about the deliciousness of chocolate....

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