OK - blame Katyboo, Bevchen and Little Red Boat for this one............. They started the sentences, I just finished them. So here goes with the great Finishey-Sentencey Meeeeeem
1. My uncle once: called me by my brother's name. What was that about? It could have warped me for life and I have been bitter ever since.
2. Never in my life: has sex been like it is in the books. Are they just making this stuff up? No wonder they call it fiction......
3. When I was five: I got given a galaxy bar in my stocking. My sister told me it had nuts in which I knew to be the food of the devil so I gave it to her and SHE ATE IT!!!!
4. High school was: nothing like Mallory towers. Still a source of disappointment to me.
5. I will never forget: tobogganing down the hills of Wales on a frosty moonlit night when we were children and snuck out of the house 'cos it had snowed and we were worried it would all be gone by morning.
6. Once I met: a Chippendale (one of the original American ones). He asked me out but I said I was busy playing Monopoly that night. I still treasure the look of shock on his face that anyone would turn him down (or maybe it was that I was so sad I was going to play Monopoly. I wasn't - it was just the only thing that came to mind at the time ok).
7. There’s this girl I know: who can put her feet behind her head. It makes me feel queasy and inadequate at the same time. Perhaps she has great sex like it is in the books though?
8. Once, at a bar: I was proposed to by a cowboy. He was 5' 3" at the most and he had driven his mother 300 miles across the state to meet me. I had met him twice before!
9. By noon, I’m usually: running late....
11. If only I had: size 7 feet. Then I could buy any shoe I wanted. Instead I have size 9 feet and only get a wide choice of Wellington Boots.
13. What worries me most: Never having great sex. OK - now I'm looking sex obsessed. I'm not - honest!
15. When I turn my head right I see: six months of filing that I haven't done and will get round to just before the pile topples over and squishes me. To the left in case you wanted to know is the loyal hound, lying flat on his back in his bed which he has moved into the middle of the floor.
16. You know I’m lying when: my story becomes more and more convoluted and involves improbably action sequences and CGI effects.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: being able to eat what I wanted without knowing that it might make me put on weight. I had the original pair of hollow legs then.
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Kate in Taming of the Shrew. That woman has some great lines and she gets the guy.
19. By this time next year: I will have won the lottery jackpot and all my school year will have to bow down before me....
20. A better name for me would be: OK - I used to want to be called Alopecia. I was six and I didn't know what it meant. I just thought it sounded exotic.
22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: try and actually learn to speak French or Spanish
23. You know I like you if: I am not excessively polite to you. I only manage politeness with people I can't stand or people who bore me. Everyone I like gets the demented stream of consciousness
24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: Hmm, never planned for this as I don't really live an award living life. I'd like to thank 'everyone who knows me and isn't ashamed to admit it'.
25. Take my advice, never:eat Hummus past it's sell by date. That stuff is dangerous.
26. My ideal breakfast is: one that involves the Saturday Telegraph general knowledge crossword, no washing up afterwards and really crispy streaky bacon with sunny side up eggs then toast and marmite and lots of coffee or tea (I'm easy like that)
27. A song I love but do not have is: Sinnerman by Nina Simone.
28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: contact the Ordnance Survey so that they can put it on the map.
29. Why won’t people: smile at each other and say hello for no reason?
30. If you spend a night at my house: the Loyal Hound will probably raid your suitcase and carry your shoes / knickers / pyjamas round the house in delight at having visitors. I'd iron the sheets though.
31. I’d stop my wedding for: shock at finding I was getting married when I don't actually have a boyfriend.
32. The world could do without: Big Brother. It's pointless and encourages pointless people to think that they are vital to the nation. They're not.
33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: touch a scorpion. Eeeegh. They're horrid - and poisonous, and did I mention Horrid???.
34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: do you know I don't think I know ANY blondes I think I'm blondist. OK, just pick one. any one. Oh - oops - my nephews are blonde and when they are not horrid they are lovely and my favourite blondes by far.
35. Paper clips are more useful than: junk mail. Has anyone ever bought anything that was advertised on a free piece of paper shoved through your door? And pizza menus don't count as junk mail. They are important circulars.
36. If I do anything well it’s: refuse to get up in the morning, even though I have hit snooze thirty times and am already running late. I'm also good at staying up too late watching rubbish on television and generally faffing about (that might explain the reluctance to get up in the morning)
37. I can’t help but: wonder how it is that I'm single when some of the oddest / dullest / most ordinary people that I know aren't. Is there some secret that everyone was told behind the bike sheds at school that I never found out?
38. I usually cry: when I’m really, really tired or really frustrated, or deprived of chocolate unnecessarily.
39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: Don't tell people that you want to be called Alopecia. You will be mocked for ever however good your intentions at the time.
40. And by the way: I can't do the butterfly stroke. I've tried and tried but all I do is swallow a lot of water before sinking.
The price of health
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