Friday, 27 February 2009

Cyber dumped, I think......

So, it is nearly two weeks since I met up with Pilot man, the best of the cyber men to have come my way. We had a pretty good time all in all, though there was no particular jolt of attraction on my side at least (I don't know about him) and at the end of our date he suggested that we meet up again. He suggested, not me. He is based in Manchester this week and so it was agreed that this would be a good time to meet up. That was the plan.

Since then - NOTHING. Not a text message, a phone call, an anonymous note, or a carrier pigeon. I sent him a brief friendly e mail last week saying thank you for lunch and that it would be lovely to meet up again. I haven't even had a reply to that. I can't read anything good into this deafening silence.

Have I been dumped? If I have then why can't he at least e mail me to say 'I'm really sorry but I don't think this is going to work.' Is that not the done thing? Or is this just typical dating behaviour and I am living in a Georgette Heyer novel to expect actual communication?

Should I be ringing him to find out what is happening? Is this a test? Am I supposed to just know that he doesn't want to see me again because he hasn't rung, or is he just a useless male who hasn't noticed that two weeks have gone by and we haven't spoken. I didn't think he was that dozy to be honest and suspect this is a major hint that I am dumped, did not live up to expectations and was a waste of his time. But what if I'm wrong?

It's a dilemma. If I don't ring then he might think that I wasn't interested. If I do ring then he might hang up on me then change his number and move to Guatemala because all he wants is to never see me again, hence his deafening silence over the last fortnight which I was supposed to recognise as a firm 'bugger off' signal. The etiquette of this whole thing baffles me.

God, this dating thing is hard work. My heart isn't broken or anything but I would like to know where I stand. How on earth do I find out though? Help please.


notSupermum said...

Did you ever watch Sex and the City? The one where Miranda is trying to figure out why a guy hadn't called. Well, I know this is hard but as the saying goes - he's just not that into you.

Don't waste anymore energy on him, he doesn't deserve you.

Jenn said...

I was just about to write exactly the same thing as notSupermum. In the world of online dating, you shouldn't expect a specific "thanks but no thanks" until you've gone out at least a couple times. My experience is that if someone isn't interested, the communication just dies off. Some people don't want to bother if there isn't that 'jolt of attraction' right off the bat but the good news is that it is obviously him and not you - after all, you've only met once so he doesn't even really know you! You definitely should not contact him again though - you already sent one email and the fact that he didn't reply to that is him saying he isn't interested.

Welsh Girl said...

NotSupermum - darn it - why not? I'm fabulous!!! Perhaps I should send him a questionaire to find out what to do differently next time...
Jenn - Hello! Whilst I'd generally agree I've spoken to him fairly regularly for 3 months on the telephone so it seems odd (possibly even rude / hurtful) to cut things off so abruptly now. He obviously really hated the reality of me. Most depressing.

The Singlutionary said...

Welsh Girl! You didn't even really like him that much yourself! I didn't catch much excitement at all from your post about him.

The same thing happened to me with the hot doctor except that we hadn't been talking for months. I agree that after talking for months, you might deserve a goodbye.

But I think that dating etiquite in general permits people to just quit responding/communicating as a sign that they are no longer interested.

And you ARE fabulous and you deserve some guy who is totally steaming hot and remembers to exchange his money so he can buy a girl a drink!

Home Office Mum said...

I agree with the previous comments. You emailed him and he hasn't replied. You've put the ball in his court. If he doesn't hit it back to you, move on. Obviously he's a complete idiot for not recognising that you are the catch of the year, but more fool him.

katyboo1 said...

Yup. Don't chase.

Specially because if he is interested but crap, or having his arms sawn off, or has a wired jaw or tape worms rendering him paralysed, it's just not worth risking it for him to code you as eager.

Never be eager in my opinion unless you are a)very drunk b)very sure or c)as horny as hell and damn the consequences.

Let them do all the hard work. Most men are lazy buggers anyway.

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone - he is obviously not good enough for you. I know how you feel though, there will always be that little niggling question of 'why'. Perhaps he's been ill or is away on a lengthy Pilot journey. Just making excuses for him aren't I?
No, definitely don't email or ring him again.
Wendy (Wales)

The Singlutionary said...

katyboo1: You are brilliant. Well said!

justme said...

I am SO not an expert in men! But even so, I think that 1) you were not that interested in him anyway, and 2) you have made contact once and he has not replied.
So drop it!
Didn't you have this pattern with him before?? I seem to remenber you were much better at keeping the link than he was.
Definately his loss!
Blimey. The dating thing sounds like crap.
Why dont you do what I did and try martial arts instead??? MUCH more exciting........

elizabethm said...

Yep, I am with all this comment. You never sounded smitten, just keeping your options open. It might have developed into something good given time. That is part of what makes these things which never have the chance to grow so hard to let go of. But let him make the running. Massively unfair though it is, if you make the running he will feel bad. We are all still cavemen under the skin.
And clearly you are lovely and a great catch so keep the faith and just carry on having a great time. I have seen so many women married and miserable. It can be a total bugger. Never forget that the most important thing to live your own life well and with contentment and conviction.
I am embarrassing myself with my soap box oratory here. I will just go away. xx

Mr Farty said...

I am a man, and even I don't know. Maybe his plane crashed in the Himalayas and he's desperately trying to get a message to you by carrier vulture?

Have you tried hiring a private detective? You should definitely do that, it won't look at all stalkerish.

the Barrister said...

Goddam it to Hell! What does it matter when we lost to the damned Frog?! And ahead at half-time!! Forget this chap: he'd have melted into a puddle indistiguishable to his crepe loafers had he stood too close to a fire. Pilot pah! He worked on the Matalan check-out. Fair job but not the exotic lothario he painted.

Welsh Girl said...

Thanks one and all. There seems to be a clear message to run away and accept the silent yet deadly snub. I confess that I may keep a weather eye open for a carrier vulture though, just in case.

I can't help but hate the fact that it just took one meeting for him to take against me. I may not have fallen head over heels for him but I was at least prepared to be open minded about it. I don't know what men are looking for, but going by my permanent single state, it's not me!

Right I'm back off to the cyber site to start the torture all over again....

Susan Walsh said...

Welsh Girl, you've already gotten a lot of good advice here re future behavior. I just wanna mention one thing: I've been reading a lot lately about pheromones and the SCIENCE of attraction. Turns out we may be biologically programmed to be attracted to someone specifically because of their DNA/scent. You'd talked on the phone quite a bit, but perhaps when you met in person, the bells didn't ring because the physiological connection just wasn't strong. It certainly wasn't strong on your part, so maybe it was just the same with him. Food for thought. In any case, it's time to FIDO (f**k it drive on). Next!
P.S. LOVE the carrier pigeon bit. You are a v.v. funny Welsh girl.

pitpony said...

Hello, Welsh Girl,

Too right, he doesn't deserve someone like you.

And I bet that, in eight months' time, he'll get in touch and expect you to be not only willing, but ready to meet him again at the drop of a hat.
(It happened to me! And, yes, I turned him down. More politely than his ego deserved.) said...

Welsh Girl, you are hilarious! Onely just recently added you to our blogroll, and although we haven't said all that much just yet, we want you to know that we're reading and loving it!

That said, we wanted to let you know that we've decided to profile other independent, non-profit blogs that have as their main focus living the single life, so that we can begin to build a stronger network of sites and other resources for being single. We'd like to include you in this project. If you're interested in being profiled, please reply to us via email [onely at] and we'll give you the scoop.

Thanks for the entertainment!

-- Lisa and Christina at Onely!

Mud in the City said...

It isn't just cyber men who cat like this. My recent date (roughly 9 dates in 3 months) had also vanished without so much as a by your leave.


But if he is going to behave this rubbishly this early on, he isn't worth it.

Sorry honey!

lunarossa said...

Damp him yourself! Plenty more fish in the sea...amd possibly tastier than that one! Be alive, be free! Ciao. Antonella

Beki said...

Yes, I would agree with notSupermum...He's just not that into you.... and it sucks! And I am sure you ARE fabulous, and his being not into you, does not speak to your fabulosity!! Am I makin' a lick of sense? Men are a difficult breed to read, even if they are one of God's simplest creatures.

Susan Walsh said...

Just had to come back and offer you a tidbit. This is a post from the title of which is:
"Why Does He Say He'll Call When He Won't?" I found it enlightening, you might too:

Welsh Girl said...

Susan - Fido may have to become my motto.....
Pitpony - hello! thanks for stopping by and I'm glad to find I'm not alone in this. Why do men have so much confidence that they think we will swoon when they return after months of absence?
Lisa & Christina - thanks for that. I'll come on over asap!
Mud - harsh, but true it seems.
Lunarossa - Damp him? Hmm, does that involve wet towels and buckets of water? and old fish guts? that's quite appealing actually.
Beki - hello! It's surprising how men, being so simple are so complicated to read. Why is that? Is there a manual I can get hold of?
Susan M - ok. I'm off to read that link.

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