So, I have a question for all you halves of couples out there. How important is the SPARK? Did you meet your loved ones and 'just knew'. Did your pulse race? Your heart accelerate and your palms go sweaty? Was your first thought "how quickly can I jump this man / woman's bones?".
You see I am an innocent abroad in these matters. I know, I'm 35 and should be jaded, worldly and wise but I'm not. I've only gone out with one person and that was years ago and I'm not quite sure how it happened. I know that it ended because he sent me flowers (contrary I know, and obviously glib too but that was the genuine catalyst). So, it's been over a decade since that momentous event and I have been skipping along through life, single, footloose and literally fancy free.
On Saturday I met with pilot man, after months of delicate UN style negotiations and failed treaties. The spot was Ludlow, half way between our respective homes. I was nervous the night before and scarcely slept. Would this be the love of my life? Was Friday the last night of life as I knew it? Was I going to be initiated into the world of those who had 'another half?'. Consequently I woke on Saturday morning with a cracking headache. Not the best start.
The day was thick with low cloud and I only knew I'd reached Ludlow because the sign said I had; you could scarcely see the town for cloud. I was early and managed to find parking at completely the opposite end of town to the pub we were to meet at. Pilot man sent me a text to say that the road he was coming in on was closed so he would be late so I wandered through the town, past the busy shoppers and after getting directions headed down the hill to the pub. It was the pub you always imagine you'd like to have down the road. Low beamed, with wide, scarred oak floor boards and a roaring fire. A whippet puppy was busy destroying half the newspapers and locals would drop in every now and then to tease the barmaid and catch up with friends nursing a pint. I settled myself at a table with a slant that would be defined as a black run were it a ski slope and rescued some of the paper from the puppy.
Ten minutes later Pilot man rang to say that he had parked and was on his way. I watched the door anxiously. Was this it? The door swung open and a man came in. Like every date I have met off the web, he was sort of like his photo, but not completely but I did at least recognise him. I'm not sure he recognised me mind you but I called out to him before he could look around and decide that I wasn't there and run away.
He's nice looking. Wearing jeans and a black polo neck he looked as though he had made an effort which is flattering. Also, there was no cravat and that is always good news. His hair, which is a dark brown grows in a widows peak above a friendly used sort of face. He comes over and joins me at the table. We kiss hello (on the cheek). After a brief 'how was your journey' kind of conversation he looks a little embarrassed and says he has no English money to buy a drink. I finger the stack of cocktail sticks in my pocket and wonder if I will be needing them. But after Wednesday's debacle I am now prepared for the drinks thing so offer to get him a pint. He has a good excuse. He only landed back in the UK at midnight on Friday and had not had time to change his stack of foreigh currency back into sterling. He immediately says that he will buy lunch in return. This seems fair, and generous. I put the cocktail sticks down.
We sat and chatted easily for a couple of hours. Conversation ranged from the forthcoming Rugby to Philosophy, via the state of the economy, the joys and woes of snow and various other topics. We touched on the thorny issue of valentine's day and he had strong feelings on this. They were that men who had to make an effort on valentine's day quite obviously did not make enough effort the rest of the time. I pretty much agree with him on this point and am glad that I took my kind readers sage counsel and arrived bearing no gifts of any kind.
Two hours later, lunch over, our respective parking was running out. At this point, I was wondering in the back of my mind what next? He's nice, he's easy to talk to. We chortled over similar things and were happy to disagree on others. There was nothing wrong at all. But shouldn't my heart be racing? my stomach churning with lust? Or is 35 too old for such things? Does lust come slowly, or not at all and I should just be looking for company, with wild passionate sex discarded as a 'service' station that I have shot past and can't get back to?
He's paid the bill and I am wondering whether I should suggest a walk around the town? But why should I suggest it? Why hasn't he? It could be that he doesn't want to be pushy, or that he can't wait to get away? I want him to take the decision but none is forthcoming. I weakly suggest that I should get back to my car and he offers to drive me through the town to save me the walk.
A few minutes later we pull up by my car. Pilot Man says that he has enjoyed meeting me and that it would be nice to 'do this again'. I agree and we work out that he will be based at Manchester airport in a fortnight so we could meet up again then. We kiss on the cheek again and I get out of the car and he drives off.
I'm left confused and slightly indifferent. We had a nice time, he was charming and kind and the time passed easily but he could have been a long lost cousin, not a date. Does that mean that we are on a road to indifference, or just that it is too soon to tell? This is all horribly new to me and I don't know the rules.
So. I've established that he isn't horrible, he doesn't have a flat cap or an autocratic mother. I've also established that my stomach doesn't churn at the sight of him and the prospect of seeing him again is neither dreadful nor thrilling.
I return home muddled and confused and needing your advice. How important is the spark?
Christmas through the times of my life
3 days ago
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19 comments:
Hi Welsh Girl!
He seems like a really nice man! yay for the no cravat. And I'm a bit biased when it comes men in polo's as that is what my now-husband wore on our first date ;)
I think the whole want-to-get-into-your-pants straight away attraction is not the right thing to base a relationship on anyway! Of course you have to be attracted to each other (this helps in the long run of marriage too!) but I would not write this date off and definetely see him again! The only thing is will you be prepared to be with someone that works away a lot. My husband is away a lot and works very long hours and it does get hard - but, at the same time if you love them it is completely worth it.Good luck!
I'm not exactly one to talk (also extremely single) but I do think that the spark on meeting isn't the be all and end all.
However, I believe there does need to be a spark of some kind (maybe not fireworks; how about a sparkler?) upon kissing.
I'd say, try to relax and see if he gets in touch. If he does, he's interested. If not; write him off as someone deserving cocktail sticks!
Well for starters he sound about a bazillion times better than cravat man. Thank god for that.
Having not dated now for 10 years, it's hard to say what happens at 35. I was 25 when I met my husband. There was instant chemistry. So much so that within 5 weeks of him arriving in South Africa as the new boss, we had shagged on the boardroom table and I'd moved in with him. But that was rushing things a bit I think.
I say give it a few more goes. If you get to say date 3 and you're actively looking forward to the day, not dreading it or indifferent to it, then there's some hope there. Some things are a slow burn.
Forget the spark just for now and concentrate on your new friendship with what appears to be a Normal Single Man. This is a rare species and should be treated with care. Take some time to get to know him, if he's pleasant company and doesn't frighten the horses then so much the better. Don't always expect a lightening bolt, it doesn't always happen. Good luck!
He sounds a million times better than the last one, thank goodness. As to the spark....I just don't know.....certainly when I met my ex, there was an instant attraction, and thinking back before that, there were others where I immediately thought 'yes!'. BUT, there have been other people that I have known for AGES before becoming attracted to them. So I wouldn't rule it out. Anyway, I think if you dont worry about where it is going and just enjoy his company, in whatever way it turns out, that makes more sense than immediately either jumping into a passionate affair, or having nothing more to do with him! If that makes sense.....
Monika - at the moment the idea of a man who works away a lot is rather nice as I am so used to having my independence so that doesn't worry me too much!
Mud - I sort of agree, but it is hard to work out the difference between settling for someone with no sparkage, and someone with whom sparks might fly, given time....
Home Office Mum - OH MY GOD! That stuff actually happens? How come it doesn't happen to me? I shall persevere..
Not Supermum: wise words! You're right. how often do I meet normal single men? Never so I shall try not to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.
Justme - I do see what you mean!
He definitely sounds better than the last one!
About the spark thing. I'm really not sure. I'd known Jan for about 3 months before we got together and in those 3 months I'd never really noticed him to be honest. He was just someone else from my building who turned up at the same parties as I did. (I was with someone else at the time mind). The first time we talked properly was fun, but I was still with someone else and never for one second thought of Jan that way. Two days later the relationship I was in ended. The ex and I broke up at a party (it got a little messy) Jan walked me home and stayed up talking to me all night. At this point I was seriously considering giving up on men altogether and becoming a nun. And 9 days after that I got very drunk and kissed Jan in our residence bar. We've been together ever since. To this day I'm not really sure how it happened.
Oh yes, and Homeofficemum, I'm with Welsh Girl on this one. Oh My God!!! I thought stuff like that only happened in books!
This is a hard one. I think things are either immediate chemistry or slow burn. I have never been out with anyone who I hadn't got to know as a friend first but there does come a point when you find yourself having the leap in the stomach when you see them. Give it a bit longer. He sounds nice!
So...I fell for my husband the first time I saw him. He saw me and...kept on walking. Fast forward six months, we have a one night stand. He's doesn't call. I approach him and say "I'd like to do that again." He says, "Er, I don't think so." Six months later, another drunky one night stand. He STARTS acting like he's attracted. Long story short, we've been happily married 24 years, so go figure. I say give it time, you truly never know!
I didn't feel any spark and wasn't intending to see him again - we've now been living together over 4 years! Give it a chance but don't flog it if it doesn't happen
Thanks Loops - I'll persevere and see what date 2 throws up, if it ever gets arranged. I haven't heard a word from him since Saturday....
Susan - that really should end with 'and so dear readers, I married him!' Perseverence award goes to you I think.
Bevchen - nice to hear how you and Jan met, I've been meaning to ask!
Elizabeth - I'll keep my fingers crossed for a stomach lurch next time...
My dear Welsh Girl! I had the same experience on my most recent date. And to tell you the truth, I was glad in a way when he didn't call because I knew I wasn't that into him. But I would like him to be my friend. But it seems like turning a date into a friend might be even harder than turning a date into a 2nd date.
Anyways, all you need to know for now is that you are willing to go on a second date with him. If after the 5th date you still don't want to *do* him in any way shape or form, I suggest giving up. Some things are just chemical like that and attraction is important! Sometimes our bodies are smarter than our minds. Sometimes our bodies are hecka stupid.
mine have always been lusty things and never first as a friend. Ooops, slut. My husband, I "knew" I was going to marry him before I met him - we were in a bar in Turkey and I heard his voice and loved it. Come May it'll be 19 years married. gulp.
Milla - I never seem to have had the lust thing with with somebody who reciprocated. I always longed for just what you found and oddly it is a relief to find that it does happen to somebody, even if it isn't me yet! 19 years... that's impressive.
Singlutionay - my hopes are fading fast. My feelings on the matter may be irrelevant. It is now 10 days and not a word from him.
As a chap with many female friends in your position, I am constantly being told how crap most men are. This one sounds OK: not fabulous perhaps, but OK. So see where it goes!
The fact that he is a pilot is, in my view, a worse problem than the absence of excited heaving in your bosom. The excitement might come when you see more of him, but if he is never around you will spend a lot of time waiting, and that's not a good look. Men think they can still get away with making women do what they want when they want: no woman should accept that except by positive choice and if a relationship starts like that it sets an unattractive power imbalance which is unlikely to shift.
Good luck though, whatever you decide!
Barrister - Hello. Nice to get the male perspective on this one. Sadly I think I have been given the old heave ho, rather than a heaving bosom. It seems that pilot man has flown off for good...
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