Tuesday, 15 July 2008

At War with the Cybermen

So, in an effort to shut up my married friends, my mother and the farmer at the bottom of the road, I have signed up for some internet dating. This is not undertaken lightly. My previous experiences of this have been disastrous. Here are few of the pitfalls that you can expect:

Personality Transplant Man: this is the man who obviously hires somebody to e mail you with witty and amusing sonnets, thereby luring you into agreeing to meet. At which point the sonnet writer is summarily fired and you get to meet the geek who has been locked in his office basement for the last four years and can't see properly in real daylight. One of the ones that I met had knitted a sweater out of his beard... need I say more.

Snub Man: these are the ones who you mark as a favourite in the hopes of having a pointless e mail conversation with him in order to avoid doing any actual work. However, having glanced at your profile which you have judiciously amended to sound more like Nigella Lawson than yourself, they refuse to mark you as a favourite. They snub you. Cold. It cuts to the quick to find that a complete stranger doesn't think you are interesting enough to even e mail saying 'bugger off you lying baggage - I know Nigella, and she isn't you'. ~Very hurtful.

No Interest Whatsoever: one of the sites I tried I got no interest from anyone. Not even the nerd in the hair shirt. Nothing. Niente. Being filled with boundless self confidence I decided this was due to a technological glitch and e mailed the administrators to explain that the tidal wave of interest in me had quite obviously crashed their system and could they forward on all the gushing e mails of admiration that I must have received. They replied that nobody was interested and perhaps I should change my photo. I don't think I have recovered from this blow. It was the only photo of me worth looking at - it didn't even really look that much like me by the time I had finished photo shopping it and airbrushing out most of myself. How could they?????

Having given you a glimpse into the hellish life of internet dating you should now all be amazed at my bravery and gallant courage. I am launching myself like a tow boat onto the stormy waters of the cyber men. Anyone out there looking for a cyber woman????

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