I think Ali G wants me..........

So, in an effort to avoid doing any work ever again, I am spending an alarming amount of time perusing the internet on fruitless expeditions to find my very own cyberman. I have to tell you that pilot boy and Playwright man (alias wetsuit duck fetishist) are looking pretty good now. I have been marked as a favourite by some pretty weird men. Want the highlights?

Fiji Man.... He says he is looking for somebody with Vigour. Who the hell has vigour anymore? Not me, not for many years now. He also says with great pride that he deliberately seeks those who are the most incompatible for him as 'opposites attract' and that we should 'take a walk before closing the door on love'. Hmm, I think he should just take a walk actually.

Mountain Man: Now, he sounds ok on his description, if a little earnest, but he looks like a mountain man. His photo is all beard and eyebrows. He could be anyone under all that and based on the news this week, I'm wondering about international terrorist. Richard Madeley would understand.

Cross Eyed Man: I know I am sounding a bit like a perfectionist now but number three has the most impressive wonky eye I have ever seen. I admire his ability to go online and show the world himself, flaws and all but even looking at his photo disconcerted me. I am obviously a horrible person to be looking for someone normal. What is wrong with me?

Downright Scary Man: this one is a cracker. His description says with pride that he has his own hair, teeth and car. In his photo he is grimacing in that way that you curl your lips in close to your teeth and stretch your mouth open. An expression that totally lacks any sense of humour but does instill fear in the viewer that you might be stocking up on a nice chianti and some fava beans. Please go away. I would not be nice to eat.

And saving the best for last is the Sacha Baron Cohen lookalike. Conveniently based in Iran, he has promised that he "know how to treat with ladies and respect honourably them even during sex cases," How am I to resist that?????

So, these fabulous contestants are making duck fetish man and pilot boy look like the George Clooney's of the webworld. I may have to take the plunge and actually meet with them......